User blog:The-Rootbeer-Queen/One last apallogy(Moving on)
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. It seems things have slowed down quite a bit and a lot of people I knew seemed to have left. I know a lot of you here don’t know me now, and maybe that’s a good thing. When I first joined this wikia 4 years ago I had just turned 13 that year. Even though I was the minimum age to make an account on the wikia, mentally I wasn’t ready to be on the internet. Early teen me was a ignorant jerk who didn’t care what they said on the internet and lashed out at anyone who criticized them. They lied and manipulated others and when they finally realized their mistake it was too late. So they turned to make sock puppet accounts to make people like them by being better, but this only made things worse as they got caught in their lies and that only made everyone distrust and dislike them more. Instead of admitting their mistakes they responded by making even more sock puppet accounts, only to be caught every time. Even though they thought they were being better they continued to lash out and be a jerk and say things without thinking. This continued for over a year and a half or so. When they finally woke up and realized how much worse they were making everything, they seemed to have ruined any chance they might have had to redeem themselves if they had only realized their mistake and apologized in the first place. It’s been years now, and I have made amends with a lot of the people I hurt. I’ve apologized many times, probably more than was necessary. I’ve grown up, and matured. I no longer depend on what others think of me to guide my every decision. I’m definitely not the same person that did all those awful things, and the thought that I could ever have been so toxic appalls me. While I’m sure many have moved on, there’s one person who can’t seem to let this whole thing go. Everytime I think of what I did I just… I can’t let it go. I can’t stop thinking about how awful I was and how much I regret everything I did. Those decisions I made are the ones I regret most in my life, and everytime it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. It’s gotten to the point that every time I check my email and see a notification from ‘Fandom’ I’m thrown back into the hot guilt from my actions. I spend an agonizingly long amount of time forming a message online because I’m so afraid I’ll revert back to that toxic person. It’s 2019 now, and I think I need to start this year off trying to make things right. I need to stop thinking about what I’ve done in the past, and start focusing on the future. I’m graduating high school this year, and I need to start moving forwards into adulthood. So I’m going to say it one last time, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so, so very sorry for what I’ve said, what I’ve done. Morgan, Midnight, Rain, and others… I’m so sorry for all the times I lied and manipulated and said things without thinking. If there was any way I could take it all back, I would without hesitation. Though I know some of you already seemed to, I hope you can forgive me and we can move on with our lives without thinking about this any more. Though I won’t hold my breath, I know from experience how hard it is to truly forgive someone if they’ve been so toxic. I still want to be a part of the PAW patrol Fandom. I want to get over my fear of the wikia and have fun again. But on this last note I have one last thing I want to say. I will no longer be using Sarah anymore. She has been my main pup almost from the beginning, and over the years I’ve moved her around from fanon to fanon ship to ship trying to find a way to be happy with her. I thought I had found that in the Twilight town patrol, and for a while I was really happy with it. But I think I know now another reason why I couldn't let go. As I said, she’s been with me from the beginning. She’s become so closely associated with those dark years that I can’t seem to look at her any more. So I’m going to delete her from the wikia, and from anywhere else I had her. As I said, it’s time to move on. I will be focusing on the Twilight town patrol now, and maybe I’ll make a different pup in her place. I had fun with Sarah while it lasted. I won’t lie, I will miss her. I’m moving forward now though, and she’s in the past. I hope that now I can let it all go and once again enjoy being on the wikia. Category:Blog posts